Friday, March 7, 2008

Rant Of Nothingness


Today I am feeling like a failure at being a wife and mother.
So, if you don't feel like reading a rant of nothingness I understand.

I feel like I am on my last nerve.
I am tired. I am tired of the day to day rut.
I am tired of my childrens rooms not being clean.
I am tired of the laudry not being done.
I am tired of my car not being cleaned out.
I am tired of my dresser not being how I want it.
I am tired of my tiny bathroom off my bedroom not being clean.
I am tired of my fridge not being cleaned out.
I am tired of trying to come up with a plan to get it all done.
I am tired of writing lists to get it done.
I am tired of fighting with my family for help to get it done.
I am tired of the shelf not being up in the girls room.
I am tired of the bathroom not being finished.
I am MOST TIRED of being the only one who seems to care about these things.

I am sick of being asked what I'm doing all day.
I am sick of being told all I do is sit on my rump all day at work.
I am sick of being told I don't do enough.
I am sick of someone keeping a tally of my movements when they sure don't take a correct tally of themselves.
I am sick of having to be sure not to rock the boat.
I am sick of trying to be everything and then falling short everytime.
I am so SICK & TIRED of the same conversation over and over where there is no resolve.

I love my husband I really do, let me rephrase. If I didn't love my husband I wouldn't still be here cause it's the only thing that keeps me here.

But sometimes..... I dream of being gone.
I dream of a place where all is fair.
I dream of a place where someone notices me.
I dream of a place where the man that I love can realize all that I do and am.
I dream of a place where people see that I share everything that I have with everyone that I love with not expectation of getting a share of what they have.
I dream of a place where a husband does nice things for his family just because.
I dream of a place where someone could just walk a mile in my shoes and then explain to me how to do it.
I dream of a place and time where I have it all figured out and I am really happy.

Happy is something I gave up on a long time ago. I have settled for even for a long time.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I don't think so but maybe.


Amanda said...

So you dream of being married to a gay man? I'm a jerk. Look we have what we have. They are not perfect but neither are we. I know I have told you this but I will tell you again. About a year ago when things were really hard for Josh and I, I remember looking at a picture of us when we were dating. I looked at him and thought, 'I want that guy back'. Then I looked at myself and thought, 'I wonder if he ever says he wants her back'. Look at a picture of you two and see if you know what I mean. Work on the things that you can work on in yourself and love him knowing that he will not work on changing one thing about himself. Life is just not fair.

gigi said...

Echo, I'm sorry. Hope today is better! You might be looking for that "timeclock" to punch out on that Amanda was looking for the other day.

Don't scream, eat Ice cream!

Just know how much you really are loved and thank Goodness it's Friday!

Harmony said...

Count your blessings you do have many. Don't let the little things bother you so much. Your house will not get up and walk away if it is not clean, do the girls really need the shelf right now. Hey little bathroom less to clean. Focus on yourself for awhile and not everything around you.

Anonymous said...

i love you very much and every thing will work its self out u alway wanted that dream of a white picket fence and afamily and abeautiful family you have so take one day at atime because in ablink of and eye the kids will be grown and u and your hunk of burning love will be enjoying life love you mom

GoodyGang said...

Wow, been there. I eat chocolate and listen to Lindsey Haun's song "Broken " until I cry then, I find my man and hug him, tell him I love and Thank my Heavenly Father that I don't have to be without him.